Once the go-to punchline of the ’80s standup comedy scene, airplane food is now fairly respectable. Sometimes the airline will even have a “chef” onboard, wearing the full uniform with the silly puffy hat and everything — as if they’re roasting meat over a fire rather than microwaving a bunch of Lean Cuisines. Still, there’s only one plane you’d expect to have a genuinely great meal on, and that’s Air Force One, the personal metal bird of the president of the United States. Or at least, that was my assumption until I saw this sad-ass jack-o-lantern-themed Halloween meal served aboard this week.

We all know Donald Trump doesn’t eat vegetables, and that his colonoscopies require bundles of dynamite to blast through decades of impacted Trump steaks and McDonald’s fries. Therefore, this meal that seems wildly out of place on Air Force One (not just because it contains vegetables, but also mirth) is likely only served to despised members of the press and low-level underlings who will be thrown to the wolves when federal investigators come a-knocking.

 

The spookiest thing on the tray is that amorphous hunk to the top left of the bell pepper — which, now that I’m looking closer, has a fried egg white in it? The dubious jizz-blob appears to be some kind of bread pudding or a cinnamon roll, or a bunch of day-old cinnamon rolls turned into a bread pudding. Either way, it looks like someone ripped out the still-beating heart of a teddy bear. Tonight you might be making a scary seven-layer dip with a sour cream spider web, or maybe creepy mummy pigs in a blanket, but no meal you spookify will ever be as scary as the idea that the president’s personal chefs take plating inspiration from Pinterest moms.

 

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