There is a long standing myth which circulates in male circles about the size of ones member and the amount of sexual pleasure it results in for ones partner. Apparently, in these circles size doesn’t count. Well boys, I hate to break it to you, its not the motion of the ocean which maketh a man. Its length, girth and thrust. There is hope however for the under endowed, yes boys, if you follow my 5 step program you can turn your chipolata into a throbbing gristle big enough to make even the most experienced woman blush.
- Eat more sausage – eating phallus shaped food is known to improve length. Don’t go for cocktail weenies, instead fill your mouth with big juicy sausages like wursts and boerewors. You are what you eat and if you want a bigger member you have to focus on filling your mouth with really big sausages. If you have one or more friends who suffer from the same problem I recommend that you organise regular sausage fests.
- Exercise your member – It may come as a surprise but regular exercise bulks out your john. There is no need to strain yourself, a simple weight lifting regime will suffice. Start by tying small fishing weights to your purple helmet and swinging them from side to side for 15 minutes. Every day your cucumber will become more magnificent. As your pole grows stronger you can add more weight.
- Sword fighting – find a close friend who suffers from the same disability as you. In a room with lots of open space practise sword fighting by bashing your bits together. If you do not have a fencing partner you can practise with a broom stick. Over time your sword will become strong, much the same way that Jean Claude Van Damme’s shins became strong from repeatedly kicking palm trees in Kick Boxer.
- Be friends with your vacuum cleaner – If you have a good vacuum cleaner, like a Henry or a Dyson you can rapidly increase length by applying suction to your tiddler every day before you head to work. It may turn blue the first few times but this neat trick is proven to add nearly 1 cm a week.
- Shave your nether regions – while this does not physically increase length it does visually increase the size of your schlong. Fake it till you make it. A visually longer john will improve your self confidence and improve your chances of being good in the sack, or with your sack for that matter.
Happy exercising boys and be sure to leave a comment if you have any other methods not listed here. Preferably free ones as nobody wants to spend money on expensive pumps that are not as good as a hoover.